Instead of an essay, this week I thought I’d just instead post a list for you all to ponder over. Here it is.
Do Not Put This in Your Mouth:

1. Batteries: You know those little square batteries with the little circles sticking out of one end. Yes, it will shock you. Take my word for it.
2. Cinnamon Bears: God created the world and the animals and the plants and the oceans, but Satan created the cinnamon bear, and he infused it with the very fires of hell. You can cover it in chocolate if you want, but it’s still a cinnamon bear, the worst of all candies, and possibly of all foodstuffs in general.
3. The Little Black peppers in Your Kung Pao Chicken: Trust me, you’ll regret it.
4. Popcorn: I don’t think I know anyone who actually likes popcorn. We all eat it, but only because it’s there. I defy you all to name an instance where you’ve actually thought: man, I sure am glad I ate that popcorn. You want to know what popcorn is really for? It’s so that the all the salt makes your mouth dry, and you order a large soda, and fork over the five bucks for a refill halfway through your movie. Of course if said popcorn has been smothered in caramel… well that’s a different story.
5. Five Hour Energy Drinks: Maybe they're effective, and healthy and great, and everything else they claim to be, but out of principal please do not consume anything that has such bad commercials.
6. Anything Sold Out of a Cart on the Street: Talk to my friend Stanton Nielson, and ask him about the Chili Cheese Coney he bought one time in Mexico.
7. Little Caesar’s Pizza: Dominos is only a dollar more, and infinitely better.
8. Boogers: Your own or someone else’s.
9. Foreign Toothpaste: If ever you are traveling outside of the states don’t forget to bring toothpaste, because everywhere else, it’s nasty.
10. Pool Water: Anyone who tells you they’ve never peed in a swimming pool is a liar. If you need to go under, keep your mouth firmly closed, and either pinch your nose, or be constantly exhaling so that bubbles come out.
11. A Table Spoon of Cinnamon: I don’t care who you are, it is impossible, and you will embarrass yourself.
12. Fries from In and Out Burger: The burgers are delicious, and they are great to wash down with a root beer or a coke, but why on earth would you pay extra to munch your way through tasteless strips of cardboard after you’ve finished. My advice: forgo the combo meal, and just order a burger and a drink.
13. Mountain Dew Game Fuel: I know you’re excited about Halo 4 or whatever, but that doesn’t justify drinking terrible soda.
14. A Full Upended Two Liter Bottle of Sprite: Especially if it’s in the squeezing hands of one of your friends.
15. Eggplant: I don’t feel like this one needs much of an explanation. It’s nasty, end of story.

Zombie Coliseum

Zombie Coliseum This may be the best idea I’ve ever had, and I’ve had some doozies; Like changing my middle name to Danger, or inventing disposable socks. Some of my ideas I’ve never actually got around to doing, like creating my own line of fashion accessories for beagles, and going back in this essay and replacing the word doozie with something less….sissy. Some of my ideas I stole from my mom, like the disposable socks idea in the first sentence. I’m a man of many crazy and revolutionary ideas, kind of like Belle’s dad, in “Beauty and the Beast.” And, like crazy old Maurice, I’ve never made a dime off of any of them, or benefited in any way shape or form. Though thankfully, I have avoided being locked up in the dungeons of any horrible monstrous beasts. I thought that changing my middle name to Danger would get me more attention with the ladies, but surprisingly it hasn’t. But the idea I had this afternoon while I was taking a shower, will not only make me a very rich man, but also make the world a much better place.

So I was leaning against the wall, rinsing old spice body wash out of my thick curly chest hair and I thought…. Whatever happened to good old fashioned blood-sport? They used to take people that no one else liked, and stick them in a ring with each other and make them fight to the death. Now that’s entertainment. I understand that we live in a world with a lot more tolerance than the times of ancient Rome. Obviously we can’t just throw Christians into a pit and make them fight lions. But I can’t think of anyone who would object to chucking The Jonas Brothers into a hole full of zombies in front of a live audience of 50,000 fans. It’d be just like the Hunger Games…. only good….

A list of possible candidates for the games includes such obnoxious personalities as: Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Charlie Sheen, Barry Bonds, The Miami Heat, Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Clinton, Jay Leno, Jeff Foxworthy (If you find yourself fighting of zombies for your life in front of a live television audience…… you might be a redneck), and the entire cast of Jersey Shore, to name a few….

It could replace Dancing With the Stars. It would be 10 times as exciting to watch, and ten times less torturous for the washed up celebrities who get suckered into participating. It’s not like we won’t give them a fighting chance. There’ll be defensible locations built into the arena, and we’ll be sure to give participants a healthy arsenal of swords and baseball bats. Except for the Jersey Shore people, I’m convinced they can kill a zombie at 20 paces simply from being so trashy.

My idea will revolutionize the way we watch TV. Imagine if on “America’s Got Talent” when the applause meter dropped down into the red zone, a gate lifted, letting a flood of zombies out to attack the hapless performer. Anyone stupid enough to go on the show with “sound effects” as a talent, deserves a horrifying death at the hands of undead cannibals.

Think of the positive influence it will have on children. Imagine a family sitting around the television on a weeknight at primetime. Father sits in his arm chair smoking a pipe glancing up occasionally at the screen from his evening paper when he hears a particularly loud scream or thwack of bat on bone. Mother smiles up at him before returning to her knitting. The children lie on the floor, chins propped up on their hands, elbows sunk into the rich carpet, their wide eyes glued to the TV. The sounds of battle continue for a while, but before long they turn into long piercing screams. Eventually those to fade away.

“And it’s over!” The rich voice of the announcer comments, “She put up a good fight, but they finally cornered her. Good effort Ke$ha, but in the end you’re nothing more than zombie fodder!”

“Daddy….” One of the kids asks, “Who was that lady?”

“Well Timmy, she was girl who didn’t brush her teeth properly.”

“Why? Didn’t she brush them?”

“Oh, she brushed them all right, but not with toothpaste like you or me. She used a nasty bad drink called Jack Daniels.”

“Will she got to heaven?” the little girl queries.

“Oh, goodness no Sally! Of course not! You don’t go to heaven if you get eaten by zombies! Now it’s getting late, go brush your teeth, and get ready for bed.”

The dental hygiene of children between the ages of six and twelve will increase significantly, and I think the Zombie Coliseum is worth it for that reason alone.