Zombie Coliseum

Zombie Coliseum This may be the best idea I’ve ever had, and I’ve had some doozies; Like changing my middle name to Danger, or inventing disposable socks. Some of my ideas I’ve never actually got around to doing, like creating my own line of fashion accessories for beagles, and going back in this essay and replacing the word doozie with something less….sissy. Some of my ideas I stole from my mom, like the disposable socks idea in the first sentence. I’m a man of many crazy and revolutionary ideas, kind of like Belle’s dad, in “Beauty and the Beast.” And, like crazy old Maurice, I’ve never made a dime off of any of them, or benefited in any way shape or form. Though thankfully, I have avoided being locked up in the dungeons of any horrible monstrous beasts. I thought that changing my middle name to Danger would get me more attention with the ladies, but surprisingly it hasn’t. But the idea I had this afternoon while I was taking a shower, will not only make me a very rich man, but also make the world a much better place.

So I was leaning against the wall, rinsing old spice body wash out of my thick curly chest hair and I thought…. Whatever happened to good old fashioned blood-sport? They used to take people that no one else liked, and stick them in a ring with each other and make them fight to the death. Now that’s entertainment. I understand that we live in a world with a lot more tolerance than the times of ancient Rome. Obviously we can’t just throw Christians into a pit and make them fight lions. But I can’t think of anyone who would object to chucking The Jonas Brothers into a hole full of zombies in front of a live audience of 50,000 fans. It’d be just like the Hunger Games…. only good….

A list of possible candidates for the games includes such obnoxious personalities as: Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Charlie Sheen, Barry Bonds, The Miami Heat, Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Clinton, Jay Leno, Jeff Foxworthy (If you find yourself fighting of zombies for your life in front of a live television audience…… you might be a redneck), and the entire cast of Jersey Shore, to name a few….

It could replace Dancing With the Stars. It would be 10 times as exciting to watch, and ten times less torturous for the washed up celebrities who get suckered into participating. It’s not like we won’t give them a fighting chance. There’ll be defensible locations built into the arena, and we’ll be sure to give participants a healthy arsenal of swords and baseball bats. Except for the Jersey Shore people, I’m convinced they can kill a zombie at 20 paces simply from being so trashy.

My idea will revolutionize the way we watch TV. Imagine if on “America’s Got Talent” when the applause meter dropped down into the red zone, a gate lifted, letting a flood of zombies out to attack the hapless performer. Anyone stupid enough to go on the show with “sound effects” as a talent, deserves a horrifying death at the hands of undead cannibals.

Think of the positive influence it will have on children. Imagine a family sitting around the television on a weeknight at primetime. Father sits in his arm chair smoking a pipe glancing up occasionally at the screen from his evening paper when he hears a particularly loud scream or thwack of bat on bone. Mother smiles up at him before returning to her knitting. The children lie on the floor, chins propped up on their hands, elbows sunk into the rich carpet, their wide eyes glued to the TV. The sounds of battle continue for a while, but before long they turn into long piercing screams. Eventually those to fade away.

“And it’s over!” The rich voice of the announcer comments, “She put up a good fight, but they finally cornered her. Good effort Ke$ha, but in the end you’re nothing more than zombie fodder!”

“Daddy….” One of the kids asks, “Who was that lady?”

“Well Timmy, she was girl who didn’t brush her teeth properly.”

“Why? Didn’t she brush them?”

“Oh, she brushed them all right, but not with toothpaste like you or me. She used a nasty bad drink called Jack Daniels.”

“Will she got to heaven?” the little girl queries.

“Oh, goodness no Sally! Of course not! You don’t go to heaven if you get eaten by zombies! Now it’s getting late, go brush your teeth, and get ready for bed.”

The dental hygiene of children between the ages of six and twelve will increase significantly, and I think the Zombie Coliseum is worth it for that reason alone.