Instead of an essay, this week I thought I’d just instead post a list for you all to ponder over. Here it is.
Do Not Put This in Your Mouth:

1. Batteries: You know those little square batteries with the little circles sticking out of one end. Yes, it will shock you. Take my word for it.
2. Cinnamon Bears: God created the world and the animals and the plants and the oceans, but Satan created the cinnamon bear, and he infused it with the very fires of hell. You can cover it in chocolate if you want, but it’s still a cinnamon bear, the worst of all candies, and possibly of all foodstuffs in general.
3. The Little Black peppers in Your Kung Pao Chicken: Trust me, you’ll regret it.
4. Popcorn: I don’t think I know anyone who actually likes popcorn. We all eat it, but only because it’s there. I defy you all to name an instance where you’ve actually thought: man, I sure am glad I ate that popcorn. You want to know what popcorn is really for? It’s so that the all the salt makes your mouth dry, and you order a large soda, and fork over the five bucks for a refill halfway through your movie. Of course if said popcorn has been smothered in caramel… well that’s a different story.
5. Five Hour Energy Drinks: Maybe they're effective, and healthy and great, and everything else they claim to be, but out of principal please do not consume anything that has such bad commercials.
6. Anything Sold Out of a Cart on the Street: Talk to my friend Stanton Nielson, and ask him about the Chili Cheese Coney he bought one time in Mexico.
7. Little Caesar’s Pizza: Dominos is only a dollar more, and infinitely better.
8. Boogers: Your own or someone else’s.
9. Foreign Toothpaste: If ever you are traveling outside of the states don’t forget to bring toothpaste, because everywhere else, it’s nasty.
10. Pool Water: Anyone who tells you they’ve never peed in a swimming pool is a liar. If you need to go under, keep your mouth firmly closed, and either pinch your nose, or be constantly exhaling so that bubbles come out.
11. A Table Spoon of Cinnamon: I don’t care who you are, it is impossible, and you will embarrass yourself.
12. Fries from In and Out Burger: The burgers are delicious, and they are great to wash down with a root beer or a coke, but why on earth would you pay extra to munch your way through tasteless strips of cardboard after you’ve finished. My advice: forgo the combo meal, and just order a burger and a drink.
13. Mountain Dew Game Fuel: I know you’re excited about Halo 4 or whatever, but that doesn’t justify drinking terrible soda.
14. A Full Upended Two Liter Bottle of Sprite: Especially if it’s in the squeezing hands of one of your friends.
15. Eggplant: I don’t feel like this one needs much of an explanation. It’s nasty, end of story.