It seems safe to say that the newest fad in technology is making otherwise flat objects three dimensional. A classic example of this is the movie Avatar. Sure it sucks, but man it really sucks right there in your face!!!! The idea, I think, behind really pushing that movie in 3D was that if you are constantly brushing little floating jellyfish out of your face, then you won’t realize that you are in no way being entertained.
Since then, a plethora of movies have been offered in 3D, including Disney’s family film Tangled. I saw this one in the regular flat style, and I have to admit, I can’t see why they felt it needed the boost of an extra dimension. It was a great movie. Not having experienced it in 3D, I can only speculate as to what it is that comes floating out of the screen at you. (I assume it’s her hair, though admittedly I hope the little chameleon makes a three dimensional appearance or two).
ESPN even has a 3D channel now. I’ve never watched it, but I can think of two reasons why I wouldn’t want to. The first one is that I have a talent (truthfully I think it may be a super power) for losing important things. I don’t want to have to miss half a basketball game just because I can’t find the stupid glasses. I already spend most of the first quarter searching for the remote as it is. The second reason is that I can imagine nothing scarier than Ron Artest flying headlong out of my T.V screen. I’d rather watch The Ring, and have that pale little drowned girl crawl jerkily towards me across the carpet.
According to Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu from the original Star Trek movies (as reliable a source as ever there was), they’re coming out with a TV that doesn’t require viewers to wear glasses. Well that solves the problem of my not being able to find them during game time. However the second problem only becomes more severe, as it takes from me the ability to simply remove said eyewear in the event of a near collision with Ron.
Anyways, it has become clear that 3D is now equal to cool. The full extent of this new fad of technology became clear to me this evening while I was getting ready for bed. I was ready to brush my teeth when I noticed a tube of toothpaste sitting next to the sink. It undoubtedly belongs to one of my roommates. In sleek sexy letters on the blue packaging was written: 3D Whitening.
Wow. Imagine that. Needless to say (and I apologize to whichever of my roommates it belonged to. I guess I’ll see which ones of you actually read my blog), I used the toothpaste. I spat and rinsed, then flashed my widest smile into the mirror. It may have been my imagination but it seemed to me, for just the briefest of moments, that a sparkling set of immaculate dentures hovered in the air just outside my parted lips.
Technology sure is moving quickly. In a few years we won’t even have to touch mouths to kiss. Sounds pretty lame, but I’m sure the spread of diseases will be cut in half. So enjoy all this new sci-fi technology, it sure is great, but be careful when greeting people, because the next time someone smiles at you, you could wind up with a facefull of their teeth.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Correlations
Correlations
1. There is a direct negative correlation between the number of zombie movies you own, and how tan you are. (I own seven, and I’m as white as a ghost)
2. There is a direct negative correlation between how many names of characters from the game Halo you know, and the amount of girls you have kissed.
3. The more time you spend out in the wilderness shooting rifles at empty beer cans, the more likely you are to have a mullet.
4. There is a direct correlation between the amount of protein shakes found in the apartment and the amount of time its tenants spend in the hot tub.
5. If you are not legitimately from Southern California, there is a negative correlation between how much you like the Los Angeles Lakers and how much other people like you.
6. I used to believe that there was a positive correlation between the number of showers in a week you take, and how much attention you get from the lady folk, but recent events have clearly refuted the rationality of this argument.
7. More and more often we see that owning a guitar has little correlation to whether or not you actually know how to play it.
8. There is a negative correlation between how much you like to listen to Panic! At the Disco and how much I want to ever hear anything you have to say.
9. If you are a man, there is a positive correlation between how often you wear scarves and how much I want to punch you in the throat.
10. The likelihood that you will someday commit suicide increases by 1.4% every time you eat at Del Taco.
11. There is a positive correlation between how tired I am and how attractive I find Venus and Serena Williams….. but not much…
12. There is a negative correlation between how much you like the New York Yankees and how likely I am to want to be your friend. (Quinn Garber, you are the exception)
13. The longer you wait to tell your kids that Santa Claus is isn’t real, the more likely they are to one day commit patricide.
14. There is a positive correlation between how much you know about how groundwater affects the local eco system, and how much you need to just go outside and play basketball or something.
15. And finally there is a positive correlation between how much you enjoyed this blog and how much you should follow it!
1. There is a direct negative correlation between the number of zombie movies you own, and how tan you are. (I own seven, and I’m as white as a ghost)
2. There is a direct negative correlation between how many names of characters from the game Halo you know, and the amount of girls you have kissed.
3. The more time you spend out in the wilderness shooting rifles at empty beer cans, the more likely you are to have a mullet.
4. There is a direct correlation between the amount of protein shakes found in the apartment and the amount of time its tenants spend in the hot tub.
5. If you are not legitimately from Southern California, there is a negative correlation between how much you like the Los Angeles Lakers and how much other people like you.
6. I used to believe that there was a positive correlation between the number of showers in a week you take, and how much attention you get from the lady folk, but recent events have clearly refuted the rationality of this argument.
7. More and more often we see that owning a guitar has little correlation to whether or not you actually know how to play it.
8. There is a negative correlation between how much you like to listen to Panic! At the Disco and how much I want to ever hear anything you have to say.
9. If you are a man, there is a positive correlation between how often you wear scarves and how much I want to punch you in the throat.
10. The likelihood that you will someday commit suicide increases by 1.4% every time you eat at Del Taco.
11. There is a positive correlation between how tired I am and how attractive I find Venus and Serena Williams….. but not much…
12. There is a negative correlation between how much you like the New York Yankees and how likely I am to want to be your friend. (Quinn Garber, you are the exception)
13. The longer you wait to tell your kids that Santa Claus is isn’t real, the more likely they are to one day commit patricide.
14. There is a positive correlation between how much you know about how groundwater affects the local eco system, and how much you need to just go outside and play basketball or something.
15. And finally there is a positive correlation between how much you enjoyed this blog and how much you should follow it!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Instead of an essay, this week I thought I’d just instead post a list for you all to ponder over. Here it is.
Do Not Put This in Your Mouth:
1. Batteries: You know those little square batteries with the little circles sticking out of one end. Yes, it will shock you. Take my word for it.
2. Cinnamon Bears: God created the world and the animals and the plants and the oceans, but Satan created the cinnamon bear, and he infused it with the very fires of hell. You can cover it in chocolate if you want, but it’s still a cinnamon bear, the worst of all candies, and possibly of all foodstuffs in general.
3. The Little Black peppers in Your Kung Pao Chicken: Trust me, you’ll regret it.
4. Popcorn: I don’t think I know anyone who actually likes popcorn. We all eat it, but only because it’s there. I defy you all to name an instance where you’ve actually thought: man, I sure am glad I ate that popcorn. You want to know what popcorn is really for? It’s so that the all the salt makes your mouth dry, and you order a large soda, and fork over the five bucks for a refill halfway through your movie. Of course if said popcorn has been smothered in caramel… well that’s a different story.
5. Five Hour Energy Drinks: Maybe they're effective, and healthy and great, and everything else they claim to be, but out of principal please do not consume anything that has such bad commercials.
6. Anything Sold Out of a Cart on the Street: Talk to my friend Stanton Nielson, and ask him about the Chili Cheese Coney he bought one time in Mexico.
7. Little Caesar’s Pizza: Dominos is only a dollar more, and infinitely better.
8. Boogers: Your own or someone else’s.
9. Foreign Toothpaste: If ever you are traveling outside of the states don’t forget to bring toothpaste, because everywhere else, it’s nasty.
10. Pool Water: Anyone who tells you they’ve never peed in a swimming pool is a liar. If you need to go under, keep your mouth firmly closed, and either pinch your nose, or be constantly exhaling so that bubbles come out.
11. A Table Spoon of Cinnamon: I don’t care who you are, it is impossible, and you will embarrass yourself.
12. Fries from In and Out Burger: The burgers are delicious, and they are great to wash down with a root beer or a coke, but why on earth would you pay extra to munch your way through tasteless strips of cardboard after you’ve finished. My advice: forgo the combo meal, and just order a burger and a drink.
13. Mountain Dew Game Fuel: I know you’re excited about Halo 4 or whatever, but that doesn’t justify drinking terrible soda.
14. A Full Upended Two Liter Bottle of Sprite: Especially if it’s in the squeezing hands of one of your friends.
15. Eggplant: I don’t feel like this one needs much of an explanation. It’s nasty, end of story.
Do Not Put This in Your Mouth:
1. Batteries: You know those little square batteries with the little circles sticking out of one end. Yes, it will shock you. Take my word for it.
2. Cinnamon Bears: God created the world and the animals and the plants and the oceans, but Satan created the cinnamon bear, and he infused it with the very fires of hell. You can cover it in chocolate if you want, but it’s still a cinnamon bear, the worst of all candies, and possibly of all foodstuffs in general.
3. The Little Black peppers in Your Kung Pao Chicken: Trust me, you’ll regret it.
4. Popcorn: I don’t think I know anyone who actually likes popcorn. We all eat it, but only because it’s there. I defy you all to name an instance where you’ve actually thought: man, I sure am glad I ate that popcorn. You want to know what popcorn is really for? It’s so that the all the salt makes your mouth dry, and you order a large soda, and fork over the five bucks for a refill halfway through your movie. Of course if said popcorn has been smothered in caramel… well that’s a different story.
5. Five Hour Energy Drinks: Maybe they're effective, and healthy and great, and everything else they claim to be, but out of principal please do not consume anything that has such bad commercials.
6. Anything Sold Out of a Cart on the Street: Talk to my friend Stanton Nielson, and ask him about the Chili Cheese Coney he bought one time in Mexico.
7. Little Caesar’s Pizza: Dominos is only a dollar more, and infinitely better.
8. Boogers: Your own or someone else’s.
9. Foreign Toothpaste: If ever you are traveling outside of the states don’t forget to bring toothpaste, because everywhere else, it’s nasty.
10. Pool Water: Anyone who tells you they’ve never peed in a swimming pool is a liar. If you need to go under, keep your mouth firmly closed, and either pinch your nose, or be constantly exhaling so that bubbles come out.
11. A Table Spoon of Cinnamon: I don’t care who you are, it is impossible, and you will embarrass yourself.
12. Fries from In and Out Burger: The burgers are delicious, and they are great to wash down with a root beer or a coke, but why on earth would you pay extra to munch your way through tasteless strips of cardboard after you’ve finished. My advice: forgo the combo meal, and just order a burger and a drink.
13. Mountain Dew Game Fuel: I know you’re excited about Halo 4 or whatever, but that doesn’t justify drinking terrible soda.
14. A Full Upended Two Liter Bottle of Sprite: Especially if it’s in the squeezing hands of one of your friends.
15. Eggplant: I don’t feel like this one needs much of an explanation. It’s nasty, end of story.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Zombie Coliseum
Zombie Coliseum This may be the best idea I’ve ever had, and I’ve had some doozies; Like changing my middle name to Danger, or inventing disposable socks. Some of my ideas I’ve never actually got around to doing, like creating my own line of fashion accessories for beagles, and going back in this essay and replacing the word doozie with something less….sissy. Some of my ideas I stole from my mom, like the disposable socks idea in the first sentence. I’m a man of many crazy and revolutionary ideas, kind of like Belle’s dad, in “Beauty and the Beast.” And, like crazy old Maurice, I’ve never made a dime off of any of them, or benefited in any way shape or form. Though thankfully, I have avoided being locked up in the dungeons of any horrible monstrous beasts. I thought that changing my middle name to Danger would get me more attention with the ladies, but surprisingly it hasn’t. But the idea I had this afternoon while I was taking a shower, will not only make me a very rich man, but also make the world a much better place.
So I was leaning against the wall, rinsing old spice body wash out of my thick curly chest hair and I thought…. Whatever happened to good old fashioned blood-sport? They used to take people that no one else liked, and stick them in a ring with each other and make them fight to the death. Now that’s entertainment. I understand that we live in a world with a lot more tolerance than the times of ancient Rome. Obviously we can’t just throw Christians into a pit and make them fight lions. But I can’t think of anyone who would object to chucking The Jonas Brothers into a hole full of zombies in front of a live audience of 50,000 fans. It’d be just like the Hunger Games…. only good….
A list of possible candidates for the games includes such obnoxious personalities as: Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Charlie Sheen, Barry Bonds, The Miami Heat, Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Clinton, Jay Leno, Jeff Foxworthy (If you find yourself fighting of zombies for your life in front of a live television audience…… you might be a redneck), and the entire cast of Jersey Shore, to name a few….
It could replace Dancing With the Stars. It would be 10 times as exciting to watch, and ten times less torturous for the washed up celebrities who get suckered into participating. It’s not like we won’t give them a fighting chance. There’ll be defensible locations built into the arena, and we’ll be sure to give participants a healthy arsenal of swords and baseball bats. Except for the Jersey Shore people, I’m convinced they can kill a zombie at 20 paces simply from being so trashy.
My idea will revolutionize the way we watch TV. Imagine if on “America’s Got Talent” when the applause meter dropped down into the red zone, a gate lifted, letting a flood of zombies out to attack the hapless performer. Anyone stupid enough to go on the show with “sound effects” as a talent, deserves a horrifying death at the hands of undead cannibals.
Think of the positive influence it will have on children. Imagine a family sitting around the television on a weeknight at primetime. Father sits in his arm chair smoking a pipe glancing up occasionally at the screen from his evening paper when he hears a particularly loud scream or thwack of bat on bone. Mother smiles up at him before returning to her knitting. The children lie on the floor, chins propped up on their hands, elbows sunk into the rich carpet, their wide eyes glued to the TV. The sounds of battle continue for a while, but before long they turn into long piercing screams. Eventually those to fade away.
“And it’s over!” The rich voice of the announcer comments, “She put up a good fight, but they finally cornered her. Good effort Ke$ha, but in the end you’re nothing more than zombie fodder!”
“Daddy….” One of the kids asks, “Who was that lady?”
“Well Timmy, she was girl who didn’t brush her teeth properly.”
“Why? Didn’t she brush them?”
“Oh, she brushed them all right, but not with toothpaste like you or me. She used a nasty bad drink called Jack Daniels.”
“Will she got to heaven?” the little girl queries.
“Oh, goodness no Sally! Of course not! You don’t go to heaven if you get eaten by zombies! Now it’s getting late, go brush your teeth, and get ready for bed.”
The dental hygiene of children between the ages of six and twelve will increase significantly, and I think the Zombie Coliseum is worth it for that reason alone.
So I was leaning against the wall, rinsing old spice body wash out of my thick curly chest hair and I thought…. Whatever happened to good old fashioned blood-sport? They used to take people that no one else liked, and stick them in a ring with each other and make them fight to the death. Now that’s entertainment. I understand that we live in a world with a lot more tolerance than the times of ancient Rome. Obviously we can’t just throw Christians into a pit and make them fight lions. But I can’t think of anyone who would object to chucking The Jonas Brothers into a hole full of zombies in front of a live audience of 50,000 fans. It’d be just like the Hunger Games…. only good….
A list of possible candidates for the games includes such obnoxious personalities as: Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Charlie Sheen, Barry Bonds, The Miami Heat, Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Clinton, Jay Leno, Jeff Foxworthy (If you find yourself fighting of zombies for your life in front of a live television audience…… you might be a redneck), and the entire cast of Jersey Shore, to name a few….
It could replace Dancing With the Stars. It would be 10 times as exciting to watch, and ten times less torturous for the washed up celebrities who get suckered into participating. It’s not like we won’t give them a fighting chance. There’ll be defensible locations built into the arena, and we’ll be sure to give participants a healthy arsenal of swords and baseball bats. Except for the Jersey Shore people, I’m convinced they can kill a zombie at 20 paces simply from being so trashy.
My idea will revolutionize the way we watch TV. Imagine if on “America’s Got Talent” when the applause meter dropped down into the red zone, a gate lifted, letting a flood of zombies out to attack the hapless performer. Anyone stupid enough to go on the show with “sound effects” as a talent, deserves a horrifying death at the hands of undead cannibals.
Think of the positive influence it will have on children. Imagine a family sitting around the television on a weeknight at primetime. Father sits in his arm chair smoking a pipe glancing up occasionally at the screen from his evening paper when he hears a particularly loud scream or thwack of bat on bone. Mother smiles up at him before returning to her knitting. The children lie on the floor, chins propped up on their hands, elbows sunk into the rich carpet, their wide eyes glued to the TV. The sounds of battle continue for a while, but before long they turn into long piercing screams. Eventually those to fade away.
“And it’s over!” The rich voice of the announcer comments, “She put up a good fight, but they finally cornered her. Good effort Ke$ha, but in the end you’re nothing more than zombie fodder!”
“Daddy….” One of the kids asks, “Who was that lady?”
“Well Timmy, she was girl who didn’t brush her teeth properly.”
“Why? Didn’t she brush them?”
“Oh, she brushed them all right, but not with toothpaste like you or me. She used a nasty bad drink called Jack Daniels.”
“Will she got to heaven?” the little girl queries.
“Oh, goodness no Sally! Of course not! You don’t go to heaven if you get eaten by zombies! Now it’s getting late, go brush your teeth, and get ready for bed.”
The dental hygiene of children between the ages of six and twelve will increase significantly, and I think the Zombie Coliseum is worth it for that reason alone.
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